“When mom found my diaphragm, I told her it
was a bathing cap for my cat.”
—Liz Winston
Women are blessed with an extraordinary capacity for physical pleasure.
When we are fully awakened sexually, we can experience a veritable
cornucopia of orgasms—genitally and beyond. We have even got
a special body part, the clitoris, whose only function is to make us writhe
and moan with delight. Why is it then, when nature has kindly endowed
us with such intense possibility, that so many of us only ever realize a
fraction of our pleasure potential?
Quite simply, our heads get in the way. “The mind,” which one workshop
participant reproachfully described as “not the friend you think it
is,” interferes. Its attitudes, assumptions, and conditioned beliefs are
your biggest blockages to sexual fulfillment. But take heart, you can pass through these mental barriers to emerge fully orgasmic. There are only two things you really need: permission and time—permission from yourself to allow your sexuality to blossom, and enough time during lovemaking for your body to become thoroughly aroused.
Permission
“I wrote the story myself.
It’s about a girl who lost her reputation
and never missed it.”
—Mae West
There are a variety of strategies you can employ, on your own and
with your partner, to open your mind to “yes”:
1. Accept that you create your orgasms.
2. Drop shame and guilt.
3. Cultivate your erotic self.
4. Communicate what you want.
5. Befriend your body.
6. Build your yoni power.
7. Play with self-pleasuring.
8. Welcome your lover’s support.
9. Stay focused.
It’s Up to You
“The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.”
—Virginia Woolf
First, we women must take responsibility for our own sexual satisfaction.
We have to give up the idea that a Prince Charming will come
along and do it for us—despite how enticing or preferable romance
novels make that seem. Yes, you do want an attentive lover, but no
matter how skilled or caring he may be, unless you are willing to allow
yourself to surrender to orgasmic pleasure, it will not happen. Although
bliss is your birthright, it cannot flow through you if you are tightly trying
to stay in control.
To welcome ecstasy, it is also necessary to relearn that your sexuality
is a good thing, in the face of a culture that constantly tells us the opposite.
Despite the progress that’s been made since the sexual revolution
of the 1960s, a double standard still exists. It’s not quite so flagrant, but
it’s there. Even today, a young man who actively explores sex is an adventurous
stud, but a young woman who does the same is a promiscuous slut.
A woman who engages lustily in the delights of the body is somehow
morally questionable. On an intellectual level, we know that is nonsense.
We can tell ourselves quite rationally that we have left behind
such outdated thinking, but underneath, in our heart’s core, that nasty
message still holds too many women hostage. The virgin or whore split
is alive, well, and feasting on each of us.
How do you step out from under this ancient yoke? Retrain your
mind; make it your tool, not your master. Learn to identify and alter
any sex-negative messages you give yourself. For example, notice what
you say to yourself about:
Initiating sex.
Asking for what you want in bed.
Your children hearing you make love.
The sex appeal of your body.
Drop Shame and Guilt
How loud are your voices of shame and guilt? Negative messages
can be subtle as well as overt, so be vigilant, and catch those thoughts as
they start to damn you, gently release them, and replace them with sexaffirming
concepts. Remind yourself that your sexual fulfillment brings
benefits to other aspects of your life and to the people around you.
Remember that your partner wants you to be satisfied, through and
how your lover could possibly want to have his face at your genitals for
as long as you need to reach orgasm, replace that thought with the knowledge
that female pheromones, male attractants called copulins, are only
produced in the vaginal canal. Of course he’d want to have his face
there as much as possible—he’s chemically programmed for it!
Cultivating the Erotic You
“Good girls go to heaven,
bad girls go everywhere.”
—Helen Gurley Brown
Yoni Power
Besides simply substituting sexually expansive messages in place of restrictive ones, you can go a step further and deliberately cultivate your erotic imagination. Everyone has moments of daydreaming—make some of yours a conscious focus on kindling your sexual nature. Indulge
in fantasy, imagining all the wonderful things you would like to do with,
and to, your lover……
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