“Many thousand kisses have we strewn along
our way,
each fresh as the first,
more powerful than the last.”
—Pala Copeland
Although we have made love at least 2,000 times in our years together,
our lovemaking is fresh and immediate, because each time we
make love we are fully in the moment. With 100 percent of our senses
zeroed in on exactly what is going on at that moment, we are able to see
and feel everything anew. By learning to be here now, you too can
have
a dynamic and vital connection with your lover, not just during sex, but
also in all your activities, and you can extend that zest over a lifetime
together. It’s likely that you have already experienced being wholly in
the moment, for example, when you were enraptured by music, or the
setting sun, or immersed in dancing, running, creating, or lovemaking.
In such moments, time and space seem to disappear. Your senses are
hyper-alert. Your heart is at peace. All is right and complete. As the
poet Margaret Sherwood says, “In great moments life seems neither
right nor wrong, but something greater: it seems inevitable.”
Although you would like more of these experiences, you may believe
that you have little or nothing to do with creating them, that they
are occurrences completely outside your realm of influence. Yet being
here now is a state of consciousness. It is only marginally related to the
circumstances of a situation, and in no way dependent on them. You
can learn to be in the now moment at any time or place, under any set of
circumstances, positive or negative.
Being in the moment—totally immersed in your actions—is a simple
concept; one you would think should also be simple to do. Unfortunately,
for most adults it is not. Children do it, moving effortlessly from
one total experience to another, but by the time you are grown, you
have learned to bring into most situations the unnecessary baggage of
previous incidents, present responsibilities, and future pursuits. Your
mind pokes its interfering nose in when it need not, luring you into
thoughts of the future, or of the past, or into analysis of your current
actions so that you miss what is actually happening.
Getting There vs. Being Here
“Generally people spend their lives in activity and rarely,
if ever, take time out for contemplation, or to simply be in
their own presence, unaffected by outside distractions.
Perhaps we are not human beings but human doings.”
—Deepak Chopra
Because so much of human behavior is goal-oriented, people’s attention
is usually engaged in doing, with each action taken primarily to
lead somewhere else. Actions then lose their intrinsic meaning—their
only importance is to move you closer to your goal. But when you are
truly being, you are not concerned with reaching somewhere else—you
are already there.
For instance, a goal orientation in lovemaking makes orgasm the
focus. When you are doing it rather than being it there is an arbitrary
separation between orgasm and “all the other stuff.” The other stuff,
although pleasurable, is second best, for unless you reach climax, what’s
the point? All other lovemaking activities are simply the sensual means
to reach an orgasmic end. With this perspective, you deny yourself the
potential of bliss that waits in every touch and caress. Tantric lovemaking,
however, teaches you to realize that potential, because being and doing
become one. The separation between the person doing the act and the
act itself disappears—the dancer becomes the dance, meditation becomes
contemplation, and lovers experience disappearance of all
boundaries.
Tantric lovemaking is our favorite way to enter into the contemplative
state, because, not only is it a spiritual practice, it is also a source of
great pleasure. We do not make love only because we yearn for spiritual
awakening; we make love in order to “make love.” Nor do we make
love just to experience the thrill of orgasm—every moment of our sexual
union is an end in itself, and by immersing ourselves in each moment,
we experience connection with the Divine.
The Curse of Memory
Memory can rob you of being in the moment. Memory is quick to
fill in the blanks, completing your thought, or your sensory impression,
before the whole has been received and integrated into your experience.
You remember the last time you saw something and you see it as
you remember it, rather than as it is now. You do the same with all the
senses—smelling what you have always smelled, hearing what you have
heard before. You do not walk up the stairs now, you walk up the same
stairs you have walked up countless times, without any awareness of
what you are doing. You touch your lover’s body from memory. It is not
real skin, it is the skin you remember having touched hundreds of times
before.
Running on memory is like running on empty. There is just not
enough juice in memory to sustain excitement, motivation, and passion.
You want something new; you want variety. If you touch new skin,
if you see a different body, you pay attention in a way that makes you
aware that you are alive. After all, as the saying goes, “Variety is the
spice of life.” But you do not need to find variety and newness outside.
Variety does not just come from what you see, but rather how you see
it. If you really pay attention, you can train yourself to take in information
through your senses as if for the very first time. Once you learn to
consciously stay in the moment, then no matter how many times you
have touched, tasted, smelled, or seen your lover’s skin, it will be unique
and new.
“Love, ageless and evergreen
Seldom seen by two
You and I will make each night the first
Everyday a beginning”
—“Evergreen,” music and lyrics by Barbra
Streisand and P. Williams
Learning to Be Here Now
“Life is not a matter of milestones but of moments.”
—Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
We try to bring into the rest of our lives the capacity for being in the
moment that we have found in Tantric lovemaking. We want to be truly
present always. Sometimes it seems hopeless. At others, when we are in
the rhythm, the beauty of being tells us that everything is possible.
There are simple tools—techniques common in meditative practices
the world over—that we use as we are learning to be here now.
You already have the equipment you need; all that is necessary is to put
it into action. You can:
Train your mind to focus—make it your servant, not your
master.
Get out of your head by going in to your senses.
Utilize the extraordinary power of breath.
Mental Awareness and Focus
Stop! Are You in the Moment Now?
What do you do while you are jogging, washing dishes, making love,
and so on? If your answer is anything other than jogging, washing dishes,
or making love, you are not in the moment.
Try this exercise three times a day. When you are engaged in a particular
activity, such as writing a report, playing catch with the kids,
washing your car, weeding the garden, chopping wood, eating food, or
hugging your mate, stop and ask yourself “What am I doing?” For example,
while you are hugging your lover, ask, “Am I doing anything in
addition to hugging?” You may find that you are worrying, dreaming,
or thinking about something else, talking about unrelated events, rushing
to get out the door, and so on. If so, then you are likely missing out
on the full sensual pleasure of your two bodies touching. You may miss
the deep emotional connection that happens when you focus on opening
to another, and you will not receive all the energetic nourishment
that hug could give you. As you practice pausing and asking, you will
begin to recognize when you are really immersed in your activity and
when you are distracted by other thoughts or actions…..
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