“For one human being to love another; that is
perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the
ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for
which all other work is but preparation.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke
“Let’s fall in love,
Why shouldn’t we fall in love?
Our hearts are made of it
Let’s take a chance
Why be afraid of it?”
—“Let’s Fall In Love,” 1933
Words by Ted Koehler, music by Harold Arlen
Modern Western society adores falling in love. Songs—from harddriving
hip hop to crooners’ ballads—extol its pleasures and passions;
movies and plays entice us with its mystery; magazines and books give
us advice on when, where, and how to do it; and advertising of all
sorts
uses the extraordinary appeal of falling in love to sell us everything from
coffee to cars. Because falling in love is something that happens to you,
it is ephemeral. It only lasts for a short time, then it stops happening to
you. Unless you graduate to creating love, you experience the disappointment
and disillusionment of falling out of love. We all know what
is at the bottom of any fall—pain. As author Marilyn Peterson says,
“You do not die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.” Nevertheless,
falling in love feels so wonderful that we can become addicted to
it, rolling from one relationship to the next looking for that feeling again
and again.
Although there are numerous examples of falling in love, over and
over again, models of exciting, fulfilling long-term love are exceedingly
rare. Models exist for stormy long-term, and companionable long-term,
and emotionally dead long-term but not hot and stable long-term. Therefore,
we are designing our own version of lusty, lasting love and hope to
inspire you to do the same.
Graduating from falling in love to creating love requires desire,
awareness, and effort. You must yearn to bring about a profound connection
with another human being. You must be cognizant of those
beliefs and behaviors that undermine you and those that assist you in
your quest. In addition, you must be willing to take action, repeatedly,
to support your dream.
Recognizing Relationship Fallacies
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
—Alan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up
who they are going to marry.
God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later
who you are stuck with.”
—Kirsten, age 10
When you set out to learn about creating love, you will discover and
confront a whole range of relationship fallacies and negative models
that influence your beliefs about what is possible. Dismal examples
abound from high profile, highly esteemed role models, such as political
and business leaders, and film and sports celebrities. For example, according
to The New York Times former U.S. President Bill Clinton will
receive an advance of more than $10 million from publisher Alfred A.
Knopf Inc., for the rights to publish his memoirs—an amount believed
to be the largest ever for a nonfiction book. “In agreeing to pay the
extraordinary advance, Knopf is betting that Mr. Clinton will continue
to be regarded as one of the fascinating personalities of the second half
of the 20th century, captivating readers both in the United States and
abroad.”1 Not a small part of Mr. Clinton’s attraction is the fact that he
was caught having an affair during his term of office and survived the
political fallout. Whether intended or not, this sends a strong message
to the world about marriage, commitment, and fidelity. It is not harmless
that Mr. Clinton has become a powerful relationship role model,
reinforcing fallacies about what relationships can and should be.
Here are some common relationship fallacies. Which ones form part
of your personal arsenal, sabotaging your capacity to realize the fulfilling
love you want?
Because falling in and out of love is something that happens
to you, you cannot do anything about it. You are not responsible
for helping love to continue.
Passion dies over time. Although you may have a loving relationship,
the intensity will wane and it will become boring
sexually.
If you do have a passionate relationship—one that is hot
and sexy—it will not be stable. The passion will spill over
into all aspects of your relationship and you will have lots of
fights. Such a stormy relationship will not last.
Infidelity is inevitable—monogamy is just too monotonous
in the long term.
Wives and mothers should not look or act too sexy. Men
have affairs for the satisfying sex they cannot have with the
mother of their children.
As men and women age, they lose interest in and capacity
for sex.
A true mate is someone who completes you, brings you what
you want in life, fulfilling all your needs. You are two halves
who only become whole together.
If your mate really loves you, then he or she will know what
you want.
There are clearly defined roles for men and women in relationship,
for example responsibility for housework, childcare,
making money, and initiating sex. Although these roles are
often assumed rather than openly discussed, they are strictly
followed.
Parents should hide their sexuality from their children.
We have done our own fair share of succumbing to relationship
fallacies. Al was convinced that the delight of our relationship was too
good to last. Based on his previous experiences, he feared it would sooner
or later become boring or unstable. He did not believe, for example,
that we could continue to have magical candlelit dinners with stimulating
conversation that led to fevered lovemaking. At some point that
magic would fade. But, when he shifted from assuming that the circumstances
generated his enchantment to knowing that his intention
and active participation did, that constricting belief disappeared. Wining
and dining and loving each other remains a favorite and wonderfilled
pastime.
Pala fell into the “I have found the one to complete me” trap, the
myth of love described in Plato’s Symposium, wherein original man was
split in two by an angry and vengeful god and so is always searching for
his other half—“human nature was originally one and we were a whole,
and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love.”2 She found in Al
a wonderful lover, a provoking intellect, a thoughtful nature, and a spirit
for growth. She believed these attributes of his would satisfy her needs—
because he was a good lover, they would have great sex; because he had
a challenging mind, she would be creative in her thinking; because he
wanted to continually learn, her intellect would expand. It was a short
step to making him responsible for the quality of their sex, the liveliness
of their discussions, and the creativity of their learning. Now she understands
that what makes a whole relationship is two whole people, each
responsible for contributing all they can, individually, to grow together.
Carefully examine your own ingrained assumptions about relationships
and how they affect your hopes and your actions. Recognizing your
self-limiting beliefs is a first step toward changing them……
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