Friday, November 4, 2011

Tantra sex- Chapter 5: Mastery and Surrender in the Art of Love

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at
all. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not
exist in nature.”
—Helen Keller
“Those who restrain desire, do so because
theirs is weak enough to be restrained.”
—William Blake
“I regret to say that we of the FBI are
powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce.”
—J. Edgar Hoover

People love to be in control; it makes them feel safe and secure.
Very few are attracted to what may be perceived as its opposite—being
out of control. Being out of control can be scary, frustrating, even terrifying,

and so people expend much time and energy trying to keep themselves,
each other, and their environment under control. They develop
many strategies, from the subtle to the overt to help feel they are in
command, for example, keeping belongings and furnishings in precise
order; maintaining strict schedules for waking, sleeping, and eating;
making love in the one right place at the one right time in the one
right position; or insisting on trying to win an argument whether their
point is valid or not. Control can also be a subtle dance of manipulation
appearing in the guise of helpless need, or alternatively, as solicitous
concern for others—making certain everything runs smoothly and
all are happy; taking responsibility for everyone’s well-being, so that
ultimately everything is under control.
We see the opposite of control not as out of control, but rather as
surrender or letting go. Being in control is simply an illusion; when it
comes right down to it, no one has absolute control over anything. You
do however have a choice—you can choose to try and make things happen
precisely as you want them to (and get frustrated when they do not
turn out that way), or you can let go, surrendering to the ebb and flow
of life.
“He who bends to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy,
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity’s sunrise.”
—William Blake

Surrender is essential for creating love and for spiritual union. Perhaps
you are afraid of surrender because you equate surrender with
submission, but the two are very different. Submission exists in the context
of power in relationships; it implies domination. Someone submits
when they are overpowered or overwhelmed, but surrender is not submission,
nor is it passivity, losing, or being inferior. Surrender is an active
process of conscious, courageous choice, because although you are not
submitting, you do have to give something up. Your ego knows and
fears this. Your ego likes things as they are. If some change is required,
it wants to take credit—to feel the pride of accomplishment and success.
But in the spiritual quest, you give up this self-importance. You
give up the claim “I did it on my own, my way.”
The fear of surrendering can be so strong that you may feel as if you
will be diminished, even annihilated—you will disappear. The actuality
is very different. Instead of diminishing you, surrender makes you bigger,
expanding and connecting you to something so much greater than
your ego could ever have imagined.
If surrender is not giving up, giving in, or being dominated, what is
it? It is:
􀃖 Trusting that there is a larger life process that you are part
of and can be in alignment with.
􀃖 Showing vulnerability, admitting when you do not know
what to do, and when you feel fear and insecurity.
􀃖 Making choices and taking risks—acting in spite of your
fear and insecurity.
􀃖 Letting go of attachment to the results of your choices.
􀃖 Suspending judgment when things do not go the way you
want them to.
􀃖 Being open to surprises—allowing that there may be more
possibilities than you thought or could have imagined, and
that these may be better, not worse, than what you
As you begin to explore the meaning of surrender, in terms of actual
behavior, you will come to a critical distinction. On the one hand, there
are those things in your life that you make happen, that you take from
life, or that you achieve with willpower and as the result of acquired
talent. There are others that come to you as gifts from out of the mystery,
the Universe, or from God, wonderful surprises, beyond anything
you could have imagined, better than you could have planned or even
hoped for.
“Once in awhile,
right in the middle of an ordinary life,
love gives us a fairy tale.”

Spiritual gifts often come to you after great effort during which you
apply your intellect, knowledge, and skill, but these spiritual gifts are
not the result of your effort. For example, the rooster crows just before
the sun rises, but certainly, we all know that the rooster does not cause
the sun to rise. As Joan Baez says, “It seems to me that those songs that
have been any good, I have nothing much to do with the writing of
them. The words have just crawled down my sleeve and come out on
the page.”…

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