“Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me”
—Music and lyrics by Richard O’Brien,
from Rocky Horror Picture Show
“And when I touch you
I feel happy inside
It’s such a feeling that my love
I can’t hide”
—“I Want To Hold Your Hand,”
music and lyrics by John Lennon
and Paul McCartney
Close your eyes and feel:
Sensitive, knowing hands firmly kneading the ache from
your shoulders.
Soft, moist lips gently nuzzling the excitable nape of your
neck.
Strong, loving arms enfolding your grief-shaken body.
Tantalizing fingertips tracing fire up your eager inner
thighs.
Touch, glorious touch, one of the greatest bodily pleasures, is an
extraordinary resource for conveying love, relieving stress, and nurturing
health. The North American medical community is gradually recognizing
what millions of people worldwide already know—touch can heal.
Touch Research Institutes lists more than 70 scientific studies that show
massage therapy has helped more than 30 types of ailments from asthma
to diabetes, high blood pressure to multiple sclerosis, depression to
migraine headaches.1 Responding to the positive effects of the 60 million
visits Americans make to body workers every year, major insurance
companies are slowly adding massage to their coverage.2
When you are touching and being touched your body secretes endorphins
and oxytocin. These powerful chemicals make you feel good
and at the same time build the desire for more of that marvelous holding
and stroking. You can literally take your lover’s well being into your
own hands simply by touching more. Through your touch you can offer
comfort, relaxation, arousal, and healing—separately or in imaginative
combinations.
One of the most stress-relieving gifts you can give your mate is the
solace of touch for comfort’s sake. When Al falls into his insecurities,
bombarding himself with self-criticism and self-doubt, Pala’s reassuring
words cannot break through those barriers. His doubts are not rational
thought that can be set right with ideas, no matter how heartfelt and
real her ideas may be. But her “comfort touching,” not sexual, but quiet
holding, pressing him to her bosom, stroking his hair, rubbing his back
and legs, massaging his shoulders, makes it through every time. It lets
him know he is safe and okay—he is all right.
For a man who is really stressed and tired a loving massage is better
than sex. Firm, deep pressure in the large muscle groups—neck, shoulders,
back, and thighs—relaxes him, allowing him to slow down, slough
off the weight of the world, and rest. Giving your man a relaxing deep
massage can let him know that you are not always expecting him to
perform sexually. Your loving ministrations might lead to arousal but
you are not expecting or demanding it. On your Tantric journey it is
essential to learn to touch each other without assuming it will lead to
sex. Your touch is not a means to an end but a mutual pleasure freely
given. When there is no pressure your partner can open and relax and
arousal might or might not occur.
In the early days of our Tantric learning, as Pala’s sexual appetite
was burgeoning and Al was still learning how to delay ejaculation so he
could maintain high sexual stamina, Pala would sometimes be eager for
sex when Al was worn out. She learned that one way to satisfy her hunger
was to thoroughly work Al’s body lovingly and sensually but without
expectation that her massaging would turn him on. Often, he revived
under her unconditional stroking and then, because he was relaxed and
energetically open, his interest and stamina intensified. Crucial to his
awakening was the fact that her touch was not conveying a demand to
do so. The quality of your touch reveals your intention, so, in this, as in
all Tantric connection, you are remembering your intention is to unite
with your lover and bring pleasure to you both. You are not caressing
him to get something else.
This is true for women as well as men. Affectionate touching without
obligation reaches a woman’s heart. It makes her feel adored and,
more importantly, respected. Sadly, many men have not been on the
receiving end of much physical affection as they were growing up and
really do not know how to touch a woman. Women can help themselves
and their partners if they let go of the expectation that he does. Assume
you must teach your man how to touch you and assume, without judgment,
that because he’s not had much previous instruction, the lesson
may take awhile. Let him know playfully what you want him to do, with
encouragement and love, not a chastisement that makes him feel what
he is doing now is wrong. When he does touch you in ways and places
you like, give lots of happy feedback, with sounds or body movement or
words of appreciation.
Al’s advice to women is, “If you are not getting what you want you
are probably not asking for it. Most men would give their woman anything
if they just know what she wants. They would love to be heroes
and satisfy her through and through.” As a basic starting point, the song
“Slow Hand”—“I want a man with an easy touch”—is excellent guidance
for any man. The slow tender approach works, whether it is during
massage, explicit sex, or an everyday hug.
Most women have body image issues so combining appreciative
sounds or words with your touch helps her get out of her thoughts and
into her sensations. Tell her you love to touch her and be specific in
what you admire about her body. Comment only on what you like—the
softness of her skin, the curve of her hip, the shape of her nipples. Never,
never be critical—especially about her weight.
Men usually enjoy it when women take the lead and initiate touching.
An exception to this general rule is touching in public. Some young
men may use public touching as a sign of their power, but because of
long-term conditioned behavior, for many men public displays of affection,
particularly around other men, can be acutely embarrassing. It can
mark a man as soft or a sissy. Do not take it personally and do not
challenge your man about it, but instead share with him your own desire
for affection. Help him understand that his loving attention to you
makes you feel wanted and respected. Begin to slowly acclimate him
with small doses of affectionate touching in places and situations where
he feels safe.
When a man rejects his woman’s touch, especially if it is a sexual
overture in private, it can seem to her that she herself is being rejected
and judged. Men, over years of making passes through the teens and
beyond, some of which were accepted but many of which were turned
down, are accustomed to “no.” They may not like it, but it is familiar.
For a woman, being refused when she has taken the bold step of being
overtly sexual can be devastating. Feelings of shame and guilt may arise,
so it is important to let her know it is not her or her behavior that is
unwelcome. It is about you right now, not her, and even though you
may not be feeling particularly sexual, you would welcome her affection.
Do not berate yourself either—let go of the idea that you should
be a “sex machine” and allow yourself to simply enjoy the comfort of
touch.
Right now start adding more touch into your life together with simple
things like cuddling while you watch TV, holding hands when you go for
a walk, embracing in a full body hug—toe to toe, groin to groin, heart to
heart—when you depart in the morning or return at night. Also, explore
some special touching with the techniques below, either as part of
your weekly Tantra date or at another time, just because you love each
other and want to feel fabulous.
With all of the marvelous practices discussed here, the most important
point for the “toucher” to remember is to focus on what you are
doing. The beneficial effects of your touch are magnified when you put
yourself completely into sending love, or healing or arousal, as the case
may be. Your lover deserves your full attention and you will get more
out of it too.
Massage
Massages are easy to do as well as fun to give and receive. You do
not have to have any training to give your mate a thoroughly satisfying
massage, although if you would like more guidance, there are some
excellent books, videos, and courses available. You will find some in
our reference section.
Giving each other a massage as a first course of sexual play adds to
your entire experience. Both partners are able to relax, leave the world
behind, and be in the moment together. With massage, a woman’s body
begins to awaken for arousal—her erotic side receives the time and
attention she needs to “get in the mood.” A man whose body is relaxed
so that his energy can flow more freely is able to last much longer.
You can perform massages just about anywhere—bed, floor, couch—
but most comfortable for the masseur is a table at about hip height. It is
not likely you have a portable massage table at home, but you do have
a kitchen or dining table. With firm cushions, a foam mat, or even an air
mattress on top covered by a sheet, they make great massage surfaces.
If the kitchen or dining rooms do not afford you as much privacy as you
would like, move the table into your bedroom.
Give a dry massage without oil, or a wet one with oil. The market is
flooded with wondrous potions, lotions, lubricants, and oils—scented,
unscented, edible, warming, cooling—take your pick. You can also make
your own with a light vegetable oil, such as safflower, sunflower, jojoba,
or canola-grapeseed, and add your own essential oils to create a scent
you prefer.
This is Al’s refreshing, and lightly spicy recipe, for the massage oil
we supply in our lover’s kits at our Tantra weekends:
4 oz. canola oil (or substitute as above)
4 drops YlangYlang essential oil
1–2 drops Black Pepper essential oil
(1 in summer, 2 in winter)
1–2 drops Clary Sage essential oil (1 in winter, 2 in summer)
Whichever products you choose for general body massage, it is best
to use water-based lubricants for massaging a woman’s genitals. Other
lubricants may clog her pores and encourage vaginal infection.
Massage Strokes
If you are unsure how to begin to give a massage, there are a few
simple strokes you can learn to master easily:
Long, smooth, firm strokes following the line of muscle up
and down his body.
Circular motions, especially at joints.
Kneading—slowly and firmly squeezing muscle between
fingers and palms of your hands, then letting go and
repeating—particularly in large muscle groups like shoulders,
back, buttocks, and thighs.
Feathering—very light fingertip strokes—primarily for erotic
massage, the arousal of skin-to-skin contact.
Rocking—with one hand on either side of your partner’s
body, or a particular part of it, her buttocks for example,
gently rock back and forth.
You cannot go wrong by starting out with slow, gentle pressure in
your strokes. Ask your partner to tell you if she would like more intensity
as you go. The more massages you give each other, the easier it will
be to know what is needed through the messages your hands give you.
Nevertheless, whenever you are receiving a massage, communicate your
desires and sensations with loving requests and appreciative sounds—
give your masseur informative and thankful feedback.
Starting Your Massage
An excellent starting point for a relaxing and invigorating massage
is the back.
Begin at the base of his spine with your palms on his sacrum
(just above his tailbone).
Inhale.
As you exhale slide your hands up his back on either side of
his spine.
With a firm touch, follow the line of his shoulders out from
his neck.
Slide your hands down the outer sides of his back, coming to
rest again at the base of his spine.
Do it again and again and revel in his sighs of pleasure.
Move on to his buttocks or shoulders or neck or arms—
wherever your hands feel compelled to go.
If you are giving your lover a full-body massage, make sure
to cover every part of his body—ears, toes, eyes (very softly),
fingers—not just the major sections like legs and back. His
whole body has skin hunger….
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