“The very best impromptu speeches are the
ones written well in advance.”
—Ruth Gordon
Your intention is the key to transforming regular sex into sacred
sex. Intention affects emotions, energy, and consciousness, which govern
how you perceive your lovemaking. You can be engaged in exactly
the same actions with your body—deep kissing, hungry licking, wild
thrusting—but have vastly different experiences depending on your intention.
If you are simply concerned with releasing pent up sexual tension,
that is likely all you will get. If you are making love because it’s
your Friday night routine, then routine sex is probably in store. If you
are filled with the desire to merge wholly with your lover, then you may
elevate your lovemaking to holiness. That is the intention of Tantric
sex—to unite with your beloved in all ways, and in so doing connect
with the divine.
Planning
“Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
—Effie Jones
Planning assists intention. When you want to create a fantastic event,
you prepare ahead. You make careful arrangements for cocktail parties,
business meetings, touring holidays—your sacred loving time deserves
the same attention.
We schedule a lengthy Tantra session once a week. Day and time are
slotted into our planners and as soon as that date is set we start getting
ready. Couples often say to us, “Doesn’t planning for lovemaking take
away its spontaneity?” It could if you orchestrated every detail and held
rigidly to that prescribed scenario, but that is not what we are advocating.
Approach your Tantra date as you would an intimate dinner party
with close friends—select the menu, arrange the setting, consider a few
topics for conversation, then bring your guests together and let the
evening magically unfold. Sacred loving sessions are similar, you can be
spontaneous precisely because you have put thought in beforehand.
When everything you may want for your romantic play is close by, you
can relax and go into a loving flow. When you have prepared for different
types of activities, you have plenty to choose from to suit exactly
how you are feeling in that moment—passionate, tender, playful, quiet,
lusty. Remember, sacred loving includes much more than explicit sex. It
incorporates a wide variety of intimate, loving connections that are limited
only by your imagination. Suggestions for activities follow in this
chapter and appear in Chapters 7, 11, and 12.
Here is a short list of elements to include in your loving plan:
1. Location: at home or elsewhere and in which room(s)?
2. Physical properties of the setting: lighting, music, scents,
and furnishings.
3. Food and drink: for nourishment and sensual arousal.
4. Clothing: to put on and take off.
5. Loving activities: games, rituals, massage, bathing,
dancing, and energy play.
6. Shutting out the world: no phones, no visitors.
Sometimes your planning may be elaborate, at others very simple
and open-ended. Always it provides a framework within which your
exquisite union can blossom. Consciously preparing for your Tantra date
helps build anticipation and excitement, readying you emotionally and
energetically for your day of love, plus, if you have become unaccustomed
to spending several hours together only as lovers, a basic outline
can help relieve anxiety about what on earth to do.
Ritual
The rituals of Tantric loving help you keep focused on your intention
of absolute union with your partner, and because ritual acts reach
beyond your conscious mind deep into your unconscious, they increase
the power of your intention.
At first, you may be uncomfortable about deliberately bringing ritual
into your sex life. Most likely your participation in rituals has been in the
context of an organization—probably a religious organization, but perhaps
also in clubs, fraternities, military or sports associations. You may
feel that those organizations are the only authorized and valid places for
ritual expression. You do not have the right to do it yourself. Because
ritual is so powerful, any practice outside formal institutions may also be
subconsciously associated with danger and evil—black magic. As well, if
your experience with ritual has been solely within a formal framework
you probably have not learned how to create any on your own.
In Tantric loving, you learn to associate ritual with pleasure, playfulness,
and spiritual awakening. Give yourself permission—it is okay, it is
fun as well as profound, and it has great benefits. Ritual helps your consciousness
create results. The more you believe, the more likely you are
to create the results you want. At first, you may have to suspend your
disbelief (just like you do when you watch a movie) in order to practice
ceremonial lovemaking, but when you do, because ritual is so powerful,
the positive feedback you will get will encourage you to go on.
At the outset of our Tantric practice, we were nervous and shy about
ritualizing our sexuality. Pala, who has a natural ceremonial orientation,
most often prepared and led our rituals, but she had to overcome
her fear that Al would judge her or refuse to participate. She was afraid
he’d think, “What is this crazy woman doing waving incense and chanting?
No way am I making a fool of myself.” However, fortunately he
respected her enough, had a good sense of humor, and a powerful intention
of his own for sacred loving to act despite his self-consciousness.
Now rituals are second nature to us—a joyous and essential aspect of
our loving.
For your practice, begin with the rituals we have included here or
borrow some from other cultures: native North American, Asian, and
African. Alter them, if you wish, to suit your circumstances, your traditions
and your sensitivities. Then when you are feeling more confident,
when your imagination has awakened to the possibilities, dare to create
your own.
Creating a Temple for Love
When celebrating sacred sex it helps if you create the proper atmosphere.
Set up part of your home, bedroom, living room, or den, as a
“Temple for Love.”
Begin by giving each other a warm embrace then proceed in
silence to arrange the space you have chosen.
Make sure it is tidy—vacuumed, dusted, and general clutter
removed. Do not spend more than five minutes cleaning up.
If it is messy, straighten up beforehand. This is your time for
loving not housework.
Soften hard surfaces with beautiful fabric. If there is a TV in
the room, hide it under sensual cloth. Better yet, if the TV is
in your bedroom take it out, permanently. TV is one of the
biggest distractions from each other.
Bring in plants or flowers and other beautiful objects that
have special meaning for you: pictures, sculptures, and craft
pieces. Arrange them artfully around your space.
Include plenty of pillows for supporting your bodies in
delightful sexual positions.
Ensure that the room is warm enough for comfortable
nakedness.
Pay special attention to the lighting. Drape colored cloth
over lamps or use candles, red lightbulbs, dimmer switches
and if you have it, firelight. Watching flames of a fire can
bring on alpha and theta brain states. Alpha brain waves are
associated with relaxation, visualization, and creativity. Theta
brain waves evoke deep trance states, sexual ecstasy,
shamanic visions, out of body experiences, and other profoundly
altered states of consciousness.
Aromatize your temple with incense, essential oils, scented
candles or fresh flowers. Use scents that you both like.
Set out an assortment of music to accompany your moods of
love.
Arrange close to hand any oils, lubricants, and sex toys you
may want to use.
Bring in drinks and light snacks.
When you have finished, take a few moments to admire the
transformation you have wrought.
Arranging your temple should take 20 minutes or less—you have
thought about and gathered most items earlier. Move deliberately, and
gracefully, with your intention always in mind—to create a beautiful
space for sacred loving. Each time you set up a loving temple, make it
somewhat different. You want it to be freshly appealing, not a familiar
habitat that you no longer really see…..
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